by Katie Parkinson

Whether it’s the SAT, the MAP, the ACT, or the PLAN, many students across the country and at STA are afraid that standardized tests will be a FAIL (Failed Action In Life).

So what if it’s a beautiful Saturday morning and the birds are doing cartwheels outside the classroom window? Who cares if it’s the first sunny day Kansas City has seen in half a year?

There are more important things to do, like taking a practice test for the practice test for the practice test for the real test which you don’t even know the name of.

Everyone knows standardized testing is the key to getting into your dream college, or actually, any college at all. So unless you want to end up working at Burger King for the rest of your life, it would probably be wise to start preparing the minute you enter kindergarten.

By the time you’re a freshman you’ll be so used to standardized tests that it won’t matter that you overslept and walked in during the middle of the exam. It won’t matter that you really, really have to go to the bathroom and can’t concentrate, and it won’t matter if you freeze up and start thinking about Jared Padalecki on the latest episode of “Supernatural” instead of the square root of pi.

After years and years of rigorous preparation and hard work you’ll know exactly how tall Bobby is if he is half the height of Jane, who is one inch taller than Jared, who is just a little bit shorter than Carol, who doesn’t even compare to Michael Jordan, who is taller than the girl walking outside in the quad.

You’ll know that pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosis is a lung disease caused by breathing in dust, and that mixing razzmatazz, sunset orange, and aquamarine makes fuchsia.

Not only do standardized tests rank your intelligence against millions of people across the country, they also help you judge whether or not your friends are the right type of people to be hanging around (“You got a WHAT on that math section?!”)

And if you’re lucky, you might even get to take a career aptitude test. These can help determine whether you’d be better suited as an ice-cream tester or a school bus driver.

Questions like, ‘Would you like to work with screaming children slobbering all over you?’ ‘Do you love writing essays?’ and ‘Do you think taking out the trash is fun?’ aid in your amazing (100% accurate) future career placement.

And the best part of standardized tests? Getting the results. Although you may experience some mild signs of nervousness such as heating up, shortness of breath, heart palpitations, and the possible stroke, it will all be worth it when you finally know whether or not you have a chance to succeed in life.

Besides, what’s the worst that can happen anyway? You have to tell mom and dad about your future career as an IMAX screen cleaner or a fortune cookie writer?

Please.