by Celia O’Flaherty

Dear Mom, Madalyne Bird and all others who have fallen into the traps of my uncontrollable sleeping patterns,

I’m sorry.  I can’t help that I like to sleep.  I can’t help that my body automatically begins to shut down an hour or so after dinner.

I’m sorry, Mom, for those six years of sleep-walking. Every night, I knocked on your door, dead asleep, and mumbled gibberish to you.  I’m especially sorry for that one nightmare-filled night, when I showed up in your room asking if I could keep all of the knives.  I have no recollection of this.

I’m sorry Madalyne Bird, for so many things.  I’m sorry for waking up in the middle of a five minute phone conversation, not having any idea of what we were talking about.  I’m sorry it was 9 o’clock.  PM.  I’m sorry I kept telling you the next morning, “Trust me!  I don’t normally go to bed that early!”

I was lying.

This was not a recent development, though. I was always the first one to fall asleep at grade school sleep-overs, and even today I drift off for hours while my friends watch movies.  I guess the one thing that I have learned from all of these embarrassing moments is that they could have been much, much more embarrassing had those involved taken advantage of my strange sleeping patterns.  Not once did my grade school friends put whipped cream on my hand and tickle my face so that I’d wake up to a mouth full of heavy desert topping, like I have seen in multiple movies.  Not once did my mother video tape my unconscious ramblings and post it on YouTube (all though I would have been okay with becoming a child video-star if it meant ruining my reputation.)

So Mom, thank you.  Thank you for turning me around, night after night, and leading me back to my room- and especially for stopping me before I began rummaging through our kitchen drawers looking for sharp knives.
Thank you, Madalyne, for not rubbing that embarrassing moment in my face the next morning and for humoring me as I tried to convince you that “I don’t normally go to bed that early.”

I’m sure I have plenty of other people I need to apologize to and thank, but it is nearing my bedtime (time stamp: 8:30 pm), so I would just like to apologize to everyone else I have contacted, affected or interacted with in any way while sleeping- I am very, very sorry.

Sweet dreams,
Celia