For those venturing off to Vail, Colo., Salt Lake City, Utah, Harbor Springs, Mich., or any other skiing resort this winter break, no matter if you are a beginner or a rookie, you’re going to want the ultimate skiing experience.  While my first and only skiing trip was last year, I consider myself practically an expert and have decided to unveil my secrets to skiing success:

1. Ski straight down the mountain. Skiing from each side of the mountain in a zig zag pattern not only slows you down, but basically screams to the world that you’re a beginner and have no idea what you’re doing.  The experienced and ultimate skier, like myself, will reach speeds of 50 mph while descending a mountain and has a “peak to base” time of 3 minutes.

2. Make friends on the slopes. The best way to do this is to run into someone…literally.  Let’s say you see a cute snow boarder.  Take him out!  What could be better than hitting an unsuspecting victim and proceeding to tumble down a mountain with a complete stranger?  It’s a great conversation-starter and definitely breaks the ice.

3. Embrace the snow. I don’t understand how people can drive hundreds of miles and not spend at least half their time in the beautiful white stuff.  Apparently, some people have this idea that they aren’t supposed to let their bodies hit the snow.  But that’s the whole point!  The ski parks even have these snow-portation devices that carry you up a mountain then spill you out into a pile of snow.  I’ve heard these contraptions referred to as “ski lifts”– undoubtedly getting their name from the attendant that must lift you out of the snow after you fall down or ski off.

4. Be the center of attention. When you are flying down the mountain, you want all eyes to be on you. I suggest separating yourself from the group, which is easily done by out-skiing your friends or taking a wrong turn.  Isolate yourself around 5 pm, or whenever the last runs are coming in, so that the entire park can be focused on you.  As you are zooming down the slopes (in a direct line, as stated before) everyone will see you in all your glory entering the base of the mountain.

5. This brings me to my final secret: do not learn how to stop. First of all, it’s a complete waste of time, which could be better used for mastering the art of texting while skiing, for example.  As long as you scream, “I CAN’T STOP!” over and over, people will quickly move out of your way.  Besides, there are plenty of things that can stop you before your skis: trees, mounds of snow, humans and that orange, plastic construction fencing.  Take myself for example.  After successfully losing my group and guaranteeing the entire park was looking at me, I used the straight-line technique directly into the orange fence.  My momentum after hitting the fencing projected me into the air where I did a 360 degree flip and landed on my back in the snow, snapping my skis off of my boots.  Due to my superb timing, the entire park (including my skiing group and boyfriend) witnessed this amazing feat.  I don’t mean to brag; I only say this to encourage you to become a legend like myself.

I speak from experience and promise all of these secrets are fool-proof.  Follow these simple tips, and I can assure you that it will be a skiing experience you will never forget (no matter how much you may want to).