Dear administration,

I’m sure you have all been worrying about next year. I mean, there were SO MANY CHANGES this year… How are you going to outdo yourselves in 2012? Think no further. I did some research on the subject of up-and-coming technologies and implementations most beneficial for high school students, and I have compiled a five-part plan for 2012 success. With this fool-proof guide, you will win the hearts of your students and lead STA into its best year yet.

1. One word: zip-line. Some students are a little miffed by the chapel construction that’s currently ripping up campus. My solution is to install a (you guessed it) zipline from the third floor of M&A to the third floor of Donnelly. Not only will students be overjoyed at the new mode of transportation, but I’m certain this is a much safer way to traverse the Quad than walking. The construction company will even include an extra seat on the zip-line, free, so that students can zip with their netties.

2. Recreate St. Peter’s Basilica at STA: Or even better, just uproot St. Peter’s Basilica in Rome and implant it into the Quad. It will fit… right? It’s the ultimate symbol of our Catholic faith, and I’m pretty sure girls won’t fall asleep in mass if the Holy Father is presiding. Plus, there are all those auxiliary chapels, perfect for high-tech classrooms.

3. Robot Brains: The hardest change to outdo next year is the netbook. It really doesn’t get better than that maroon case and suspiciously weak battery. I think my solution is slightly better than what we currently have: insert robot brains into every students’ heads. This surgery is very safe, I’ve heard, and robot brains are the future. I promise, I read it in the New York Times.

4. Get a campus tiger: We’re all still missing Critter, our favorite campus cat, so why don’t we invite his sibling, the Bengal tiger, to take up residence in Zehner lounge? Bengal tigers, I’ve read, are really cute and cuddly. The average Bengal tiger weighs about 500 pounds and likes human flesh, but if we just let him roam around campus and feed him lots of star cookies, he won’t find a reason to snack on us.

5. Get rid of the grading scale: In fact, why not get rid of grades all together? The fluctuating grade scales and changing rules on prerequisites have the students of this fine institution discombobulated. I suggest that you get on the students’ good sides and simply abolish grades altogether. Many top colleges are doing the exact same thing. This may mean the untimely death of Powerschool, but that would simply be the small casualty in the overall perfection of STA life.

I encourage you to mull over these changes. I expect a call from you soon.

Sincerely,

Katie Hyde