by Natalie Fitts

I check Twitter countless times a day. At one time, I vowed to only follow my friends and people I know personally in order to cut down on the tweets in my feed and therefore the time I spend on Twitter. However, I’ve broken down by following various comedians, singers, and other random people. Now I’m passing on the greatness of my top 5 people to follow on Twitter:

5) Stephen Colbert (@StephenAtHome)

It’s a rare occurrence if I have time to watch “The Colbert Report” so the next best thing is reading Stephen Colbert’s Twitter feed. One of my favorite things about him is that he doesn’t tweet every day. That makes his tweets more special and means they are guaranteed to always be funny so they don’t get annoying. Plus, he makes a lot of jokes about politics and current events, which is a nice break from having people only tweeting about those things in order to look smart. Earlier this year, his tweets were especially funny given the election season.

Sample tweets:

“GameStop is opening 80 ‘GamesStop Kids’ stores nationwide. Finally a way to get kids interested in video games.”

“Robert Pattinson and Kristen Stewart are back together! Wow, and so close to the release date of their movie. That’s lucky!”

“Love biking to work on a nice day, especially on one of those bikes that has four wheels and an engine and my driver driving it.”

“A study found exercise may be bad for your health. Which means I’m not fat, I’m just morbidly over-healthed.”

“What a historic day! I’m talking, of course, about how I finally got all ten punches on my Pinkberry card! Free yogurt, your time is now!”

4) Cute Emergency (@CuteEmergency)

I’m pretty sure there would be no more evil in the world if everyone followed this account. All it does is post pictures of adorable animals (mostly dogs) in order to brighten your day. And trust me, it works. The only downside is that the person running it tweets a lot. Sometimes I consider unfollowing it because it dominates my feed, but then it tweets a picture that encompasses perfection (like the one below with the puppy and Piglet), and I regret even considering doing that.

Sample tweets:

3) Braden Graeber (@hipstermermaid)

Solely based on his Twitter name, this guy has to be great. After doing approximately 5 minutes of internet research (no use going past the first page of results on Google), I concluded that Braden is famous based only on this account, which makes it all the better because it exemplifies how “normal” people can get over 100,000 followers just for being funny and entertaining. It brings me solace thinking I could get thousands of followers if I really wanted to. (I want to – I’m just being practical here.)

Sample tweets:

“I just crossed the street to avoid children. That pretty much sums me up.”

“There’s nothing more attractive than the ability to send a grammatically correct text.”

“My main hobbies include carbs and avoiding eye contact.”

“I don’t know if complaining accomplished anything, but that’s a risk I’m willing to take.”

“Therapy for dealing with not being Beyonce.” (rule of thumb: I favorite/retweet any and all tweets about Beyonce)

“Who am I to judge? No, really. Who do you want me to judge?”

“Trying to find out which states will legally allow me to marry pizza.”

“‘That’s so you!’ – Me, shopping with Raven”

“Dance like you’re Meryl Streep, sing like you’re Meryl Streep, just do everything like you’re Meryl Streeps.” (Beyonce rule also applies to Meryl Streep)

2) Andy Lassner (@andylassner)

If you read my blog about my favorite TV shows, you know how much I love Ellen Degeneres and her talk show. So when I saw Ellen retweeting Andy on Twitter, I knew he had to be hilarious. After all, Ellen’s opinions are the only correct ones. Turns out, Andy is the executive producer on “The Ellen Degeneres Show,” which means he is my predecessor. I hope that by following him on Twitter, I can learn the secrets to working on the greatest TV ever known to mankind.

Sample tweets:

“Nice job person who came up with bread.”

“Tweet like everyone is watching. And judging. Harshly.”

“If you don’t know someone who makes you uncomfortable because they get too close every time they talk to you – uh oh- you’re that person.”

“Just stubbed my toe getting in to bed and strung together the longest run of curse words in history. #blessed”

“Facebook reminded me and I still won’t wish you happy birthday so I win.”

“I’m at my most socially comfortable in groups of one.”

1) Awkward Girl (@AwkGrlPrblms)

I can hardly believe the girl that runs this account is really as awkward as she claims because she’s so funny, I’m not sure who wouldn’t want to be her best friend. I know I do. This account is for anyone who wears yoga pants, is eternally single, ever stays home on a Friday night, enjoys food, and/or wears footie pajamas. If you meet all these criteria, you’re in luck! I can’t express to you how great I think Awkward Girl is. Honestly, I would retweet and/or favorite every single one of her tweets but I don’t want people to catch onto my obsession with her.

Sample tweets:

“Ugh, my boyfriend is a such a stage 5 clinger! (that’s the stage where he doesn’t exist)”

“Think of the worst feeling in the world. If it wasn’t your mom clipping your chin with your helmet then you’re wrong.”

“If my Cheerios get soggy because you tried to hold a conversation with me, legally, I can murder you.”

“If a guy friends me on Facebook immediately after our last class ends then does that mean I have a boyfriend now? OMG AM I PREGNANT?”

“Powdered donut on black yoga pants is like a single gal’s scarlet letter.”

“‘Ugh he won’t stop texting me’ – not me”

One thing I noticed when going through all these tweets is that these people rarely use hashtags. That’s a sign that they are more than worthy of our love. Not that I hate hashtags, but they can only be used if they’re funny or if they’re an inside joke (that way, people won’t understand, but they’ll say to themselves ‘Wow, this girl has so many inside jokes. She must have so many friends and be really cool.’ – now you know my secret if you see me use a weird hashtag on Twitter).

I also noticed that every single one of these people are awkward (not just the ones that have awkward in their name). I’m interpreting my love for their tweets by the opposites attract rule. Since they’re awkward, I’m not.

P.S. If you trust my judgement/think any of these tweets are as great as I do, follow these people. I’m sure everyone, even people who already have thousands or millions of followers, appreciate any new fans.

P.P.S. You should also follow me on Twitter – @nataliefitts (yes, I came up with such a creative name). You won’t regret it. But if you do, I’m accept absolutely no responsibility.

P.P.P.S (Do you remember in grade school when you would pass notes and you would get up to like P.P.P.P.P.P.P.S? Hopefully I wasn’t the only one who took pride in reaching at least 10 P’s) IT’S FINALLY HERE! CHRISTMAS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! With that, here is my final festive Christmas picture:

If your family is even half as awkward/frightening as this photo, congratulations! Embrace it.