by Shaeffer Smith

Almost exactly a week ago, I was driving home from school when I heard on the radio that Taylor Swift is dating the lead singer of One Direction: Harry Styles.

I screamed.

I literally screamed at the top of my lungs like I was in some romantic comedy.

At first, I was confused how I felt. Was I happy that Taylor is finally over her last messy break-up? Was I shocked at how quickly she got another boyfriend after Connor Kennedy (just as a side note: DIBS)? Was I jealous that she is dating Harry Styles and I’m not?

I think it was a mixture of all of them.

You see, Taylor Swift constantly gets hurt by really hot guys. And when she does, she makes an album and sells millions of copies. And I listen to those songs she releases. And since I’m pretty in the know about Hollywood, I know what she’s talking about.

In “Dear John,” she’s obviously talking about John Mayer. In “Back to December,” she’s talking about Taylor Lautner (which by the way, I still can’t get over the fact that they had the same name). Half the songs on “Red” are about Jake Gyllenhaal.

Three things could happen here: 1. Taylor and Harry will end badly with him being a jerk, 2. Taylor and Harry will end with Taylor Swift breaking sweet Harry’s heart, or 3. Taylor and Harry will get married. And I am not in the least OK with any of these options.

Taylor Swift is too pretty, funny, talented, sweet, caring and sensitive to be treated badly. Plus, she’s gotten it from like everyone she’s dated.

Harry is too One Direction to be dumped – like really, who would ever dump one of them? Also, I do NOT want a song to be written about how psycho Taylor Swift is. I got enough of that from “Much Better” by the Jonas Brothers.

Finally, I do not want them to get married because then I could not marry him.

I’m really struggling with how I feel on this issue because there is so much that I need to take in: Harry’s attractiveness, Taylor Swift’s constant dating of my celebrity crushes, the potential albums each one could have…it’s endless.

How should I feel about this?

I feel…jealous. Extremely jealous that Taylor Swift always has a hot boyfriend, and now she’s canoodling with my third favorite One Direction member.

Niall better stay single. Otherwise I don’t know what I’m going to do with my life…