The summer before eighth grade, I remember downloading Snapchat and Instagram and it seeming like I was about to enter a new world. I was excited to be connected by social media for the first time. I spent the whole day figuring out how to use the apps, trying out filters and getting my snap score up higher. For months after, every event or pretty sunset was layered with an expectation that it be shared online. With two new apps on my iPhone, I had unknowingly entered a new era of stress and pressure to be online constantly.

Over time, I lost track of why I was on social media in the first place: to feel more connected to the world. I checked my phone in the mornings, scrolling habitually every day through Instagram. I lost track of time spent on my phone and started to notice that I zoned out whenever I would open social media. Though for a while, I claimed it was a good distraction from boredom, I eventually realized it was the opposite. When I set my phone down after hours of snapchatting and Instagram-scrolling, I noticed that I felt overwhelmed. My shoulders were tense, and I felt on-edge. I know I’m not alone in feeling overwhelmed, as 24% of teenagers believe social media has a mostly negative impact, according to the Pew Research Center. I started to dislike how unconscious I was of the time I spent on my phone. At the end of the week, my screen time averaged eight hours. I wanted to be more aware and proactive about spending less time on my phone. Not only did it make me tired, but it stressed me out. 

When I felt stressed out at school, my free periods were spent on my phone, scrolling and tapping through social media. When I felt bored, I went to social media and every time, the numbers stressed me out. The Snapchat streaks. The likes on Instagram. I knew they didn’t define me as a person, but they still upset me as something to watch, monitor and maintain. Whatever I felt, I went to social media with no intention of if it would actually benefit me. If I was tired, it certainly didn’t relax me more.

I tried to delete the social media apps from my phone, but had little willpower avoiding re-downloading them. I kept logging back on and telling myself I was just bored. In Psychology Today, an article explains the dopamine and oxytocin-driven attachment to our phones. When we receive positive feedback (such as through likes or views), our brain seeks more. Eventually after feeling frustrated and still stressed out on my phone, I decided that the negatives outweighed the good and I deleted Snapchat. I figured going cold-turkey would force me to adjust. I was surprised to realize that I didn’t miss it. I noticed I picked up my phone less and being “out of the loop” as I had always feared never worried me.

Gradually, I spent more and more time on Instagram. I tried to set time limits on my phone, which worked for a while, then I would just ignore them. Again frustrated, I deactivated my account to give myself no options of redownloading it. Instantly, I felt a wave of relief. It may seem silly because it’s just an app on a phone, which is exactly how I thought of it when I created an account, but it held so much weight. Something that felt like the source of all information was suddenly gone, but I felt relaxed. I didn’t know what events I was missing and it was somehow reassuring. 

When I hear social media talked about, it’s generally with the hope of decreasing usage. It can often feel like it’s something you’ve signed up for and should commit to, but it’s ultimately your choice. Fighting against an attention-grabbing screen, with bright colors and endless scrolling can be challenging, but if you’re like me and social media is just too much sometimes, it’s okay to delete it. Not being on social media doesn’t mean you’re out of the loop, or at least — it doesn’t have to.