LOOSE LIPS: Twilight is an epidemic.

I have something deeply disturbing to tell you all…

I’m sorry I didn’t say anything sooner. I just haven’t had the nerve’”didn’t want to let anyone down. It hurts me knowing what I did and for doing it, I am deeply regretful.

So, if you must know’¦

I saw New Moon

‘¦on opening weekend

You’re probably wondering why this matters. Maybe because, if you haven’t heard me ranting about it before, I’m one of the hardcore, crusading Anti-Twilight radicals out there. Read book 1 a couple summers ago by the poolside; hated it, “accidentally” dropped it into the pool after the last chapter, told my mom the wind blew it in. Whatever, I don’t care. It deserved it. That was a fat 498 pages of nothing but vampire sexual tension and teenage angst. I seriously don’t get the hype behind it. Thanks for wasting my life, Twilight. I would have been better off reading Gossip Girl or going to a Jonas Brothers concert that fateful summer. Honestly, I think the Twilight Saga might be the stupidest fad to hit this planet since Furbys (or Hannah Montana). My other Anti-Twi friends are still disgraced I went to see this. But whatever. Don’t knock it till you try it.

Yeah. I tried it, so now I’m going to knock it.

It was as stupid as I thought it would be. To start with, I saw this movie with 3 of my other Anti-Twi friends. We laughed hysterically at every scene. And remember, this is opening weekend, with all the die hard fans. Honestly, I think people wanted to press charges against us for making a mockery of Twilight. All I know is we bolted out of the theatre before the credits rolled to avoid being assaulted by the ~**tWiLiGhT LuVrZ**~.  But seriously, everything in this movie was dumb. I’m still not sure I understood the basic premise of the entire movie, but here’s the main observations I gathered: Jacob (the werewolf?) was shirtless in every scene. Edward (the vampire?) is pale. Bella (the normal human?) is totally into herself and spends the movie acting like her life is SO hard having to pick between hot guy #1 and hot guy #2. And then there’s just a bunch of other albino vampires and grizzly-bear-like werewolves running around. I remember asking my friend next to me if it would be inappropriate to throw my Slurpee at the screen out of frustration? You know a movie really sucks when you’re willing to throw a 7 dollar beverage as an act of  defiance.

I honestly have nothing more to say than I hate Twilight.

And I want my money back.

I wish this would have come out in theatres instead:
http://www.nbc.com/saturday-night-live/video/clips/digital-short-firelight/1173548/