An open letter to college: please don’t do me wrong

College, you’ve been a terrible boyfriend. Now, it’s time for you to prove yourself to me.

An+open+letter+to+college%3A+please+dont+do+me+wrong

by Linden O'Brien-Williams, Editor-in-Chief

Hello there, College,

It’s me, Linden. You know, the girl you sent over 160 pieces of mail to in a six month span. The girl you have sent over 780 emails to, all with my name in the subject line… Surely you remember me?

Now, College, I have to admit: You’re getting to look pretty desperate. Really? You want me to apply with “select status” and you’ll waive my application fee? I’m not going to fall for your tricks again…

You know, it was hard enough to put myself out there for you… Do you know how embarrassing it is to tell people we met online? Those websites claim to match a girl to her college so well. They get a girl all caught up on grassy lawns, academics, campus size… Almost caught up enough to forget just how brutal you can be.

I was ready to call it quits when you made me take a four hour test to prove my worth to you… Twice. If your friends are any reflection of your character, I am simply repulsed. Your buddy, ACT, was conniving, deceitful and torturous. After spending five hours cooped up with nobody but ACT, my watch and a pencil, I found myself pondering if you were really worth it. College, are you really so shallow that you’d base your acceptance of me off that little two-digit number? Are you willing to go that far?

I’ve always heard not to hate the player, but to hate the game… But, College, this game you’re playing is tearing us apart.

College, I know you’ve been cheating on me. I have seen the emails you send other girls. Great, so they get to apply with select status, too? When it comes down to it, are you going to pick them over me? How do I know you’ll keep your promises of scholarships, admission and whatnot? We’re getting close to the last straw here.

And you invite me to visit all the time. But you live so far. How am I supposed to keep up my relationship with you and see if you’re the one for me and keep up all my schoolwork? You’re getting to be pretty demanding. And you know what? I am sick of writing all these essays to prove myself to you. Will you understand who I really am in 650 words or fewer?

Here’s the thing… When we break up in five years, you’re going to leave me broke. If we continue this relationship, I know I’m about to sign up to living with strangers, eating cheap food and sacrificing my dear sleep for you and your fancy professors. So, College, prove to me you’re more than just grassy lawns and glossy brochures. You want me with you? We need some give and take, because right now you’re doing all the taking.

Here’s how you’ll win me over:

First of all, promise me you’ll shape me for the better. When we break up in five years, I better see a big ‘ole diploma with my name on it, and a spiffy contract waiting for my signature. Can you promise me that?

Promise me you’ll get to know me. I know I may be asking for a lot, and other people are competing for your attention, but give me a chance. I need those scholarships, I need to get admitted. Don’t dismiss me based on a number, fall in love with me for who I am. I have so much to offer… If you don’t love me, I’m not gonna waste my time.

I’ve always heard not to hate the player, but to hate the game… But, College, this game you’re playing is tearing us apart. You can’t keep playing all these other girls and expecting to get off easy… Soon enough, your naive, fresh-out-of-high-school victims are going to catch on. You can’t keep wringing out every ounce of energy we have, taking our money and precious time. Sure, I’m lucky to have a chance with you… But I’m sick of seeing you sitting all high and mighty.

I know you think you rule this college admissions season. But you know what, College? You’re nothing without me. You’re nothing without me and the thousands of others you’re trying to play. I have a choice to make coming up here. If you play your cards right, it could be you. If you do me wrong again, though, college, I’m cutting it off.

I’m putting everything out on the table. I’ve been honest with you, and I’m ready for some commitment. Your move, college. I’m awaiting your reply.

Sincerely,
Linden