Almost Southern: my Catholic grade school cult

St. Peter’s or a mini cult? You decide.

Almost Southern: my Catholic grade school cult

by Meredith Mulhern, Staff Writer

When I was a freshman here at STA, I distinctly remember STA alumna Jordan Berardi calling the group of St. Peter’s kids in her class a cult. I can confirm that that is most likely true.

St. Peter’s School (forever SPS, not STP) is hands down the best grade school in the Kansas City area, and the kids I grew up with made it at least a thousand times better. So many memories were made in that place, including the good, the bad, and the very, very awkward and cringe-worthy.

So, for this week’s blog, I decided to compile a few great stories to prove that the SPS class of 2012 is the best to ever exist and that SPS is the best in general.

One of my earliest memories at my alma mater was in Ms. Downey’s kindergarten class. A fellow classmate who will not be named peed his pants in the little bathroom in our classroom. For some reason I thought that was the biggest chunk of gossip in my short five years of life, and I proceeded to tell my whole entire class. Obviously, I got in trouble, and was shamed by my classmates. It was kind of scarring.

Next up, I remember fighting senior Allie McInerney for The Little Mermaid book during silent reading time. She tugged the book away from me, and I stepped on Rockhurst High School senior Conor Law’s back and flew across the classroom. Conor screamed and Mrs. Guthrie made me sit under her desk and fill out a behavioral report.

Second and third grade were pretty uneventful, but in fourth grade, I had the fantastic Mr. Yozzo for my teacher. Looking back, I realize that he was really just trying to make us little hipsters. We spent our days listening to The Beatles, Neil Young, Radiohead, Velvet Underground and R.E.M. I can thank good ol’ Shane for the fact that I know every single word to “Cinnamon Girl.” We literally did nothing all year. We did our math units by eating cookie cake, pizza and milk to understand “fractions.” Our days pretty much consisted of writer’s workshop where senior Audrey Carroll and I created the literary masterpiece of The Spongebob Series where I think nematodes attacked the plane that Spongebob was on with his girlfriend.

Fifth grade was truly iconic. (RIP Michael Landes’ SPS career). I will always remember Ticket Tuesday, which was when our whole class turned into savages and competed for tickets for candy. Also, let us not forget the infamous Vera Bradley paper clips and that one specific SPS boy won for one specific girl. Also, senior Sophia Cusumano had a plastic ring that she would chew on. It was a pretty solid piece of jewelry, and she would rocket launch it out of her mouth straight at my face. I don’t know why I stayed friends with her that year. Fifth grade was also the year of gym fights. I would tell the story but I don’t think I’m allowed to use names. An example of a gym fight would be a certain someone throwing another someone onto the floor and kicking them in the head. I’m lookin’ at you, 5-SKM. Overall, gr8 year, 10/10.

AH, sixth grade. We had our new, exciting transfer student from New York, Hannah, and the wonderful and fascinating Sarah Cigas who came from a one room schoolhouse. Sarah’s rats died and we all prayed for her and rats during religion class. RIP. Honestly, I don’t remember much of sixth grade besides the fact that my English teacher hated me.
Seventh grade was also a mess, but I think it’s a mess for everyone. I was in 7-W, also known as the “leftovers” class. We had a teacher for English that everyone loved to hate, but I thought she was pretty cool. This is the year we read “The Outsiders” and everyone became obsessed with Rob Lowe. This is also the year where we started science with the one and only Bob Jacobsen, aka the best science teacher I have ever had. However, science fair temporarily ruined my life because my partner, Hannah (the girl I mentioned before, and I chose to rot meat in Coca-Cola for a week. I’m not sure what the scientific benefit of the experiment was, but it was nasty as heck. We also hated each other for a solid year after this, but we’re chill now in case you were wondering.

Eighth grade was the year of dissections, a crying English teacher and The Music Man. #YOMMO, anyone? (That stands for “you only Music Man once”). Also, we can’t forget Dorothy Starnes yelling “Get a life!” at young children. Honestly, this was my favorite year. In my class, we had a fish who also met an untimely death like Lil’ Sebastian. His name was Enzo, and a kid dumped hand sanitizer in his tank to get him drunk. He died shortly after. It ended up okay though because the kids who killed our fish ended up having their hamster, Jingles, get eaten by a cat. We basically did nothing this whole entire year. Absolutely nothing. We went to Music Man rehearsals for our eighth grade play, and Hannah moved alllll the way to North Carolina.

Basically we did nothing our whole entire eighth grade year except cut open dead animals and rehearse for our eighth grade play. It was pretty great, but I basically learned nothing that year.

I miss SPS a ton, and we definitely are a cult, but I think I’m gonna miss STA just a little bit more.

Comment your SPS mems below.