I guess I should start out by saying, welcome! If you find yourself doing things that are really, really weird, and you need some positive reassurance, you are in the right place. This blog will explore the weird things that almost everyone does.

This week’s topic: nose-picking.

Everyone does it, so don’t waste your time/energy trying to defend yourself. In fact, according to the intelligent folks at Google, you picked your nose four times today–Congrats!

Now there are two types of nose-pickers. The first group consists of your average, stereotypical nose-pickers–toddlers, children ages 4-6, senior citizens, etc. Props to these peeps. I mean, obviously not everyone in the world is as open to picking their nose in public as these courageous human beings are. These pickers mean business–if they’ve got something up there, they’re not afraid to fish it out with their finger/thumb/unknown object. Most importantly, in response to, “Stop picking your nose!” these brave souls often reply, “Why?”

So when you take away the supreme nose-pickers, what’s left is everyone else. This broad group is what I like to call the private pickers–parents, peers, coworkers, the drive-thru guy at Taco Bell, etc. These pickers are oh-so-slick. Never would they admit their guilty pleasure of “digging for gold,” and never will they have to, as long as they continue concealing their favorite pastime in public. Now, there are many different techniques/strategies to picking your nose, and the private pickers have every possible technique perfected. The top five methods are listed below.

1. The Itch: This method, most common among the private pickers, involves actually scratching at the inside of the nasal cavity with the index finger until the dried mucus becomes unstuck. This method is mostly seen in teachers, coworkers, etc.

2. The Pinch: Using the thumb and index finger, the mucus mass is pinched inside the nasal cavity and quickly pulled out before seen by the public eye. The hand is returned to a more natural position and the mass is discreetly flicked away from the picker, where it will hopefully become someone else’s problem. Caution: When using this technique, beware of any trailing mucus which might be attached to the mass. These “stringers” are a dead giveaway, and can jeopardize the procedure at any time.

3. The Hand-Guard: The non-dominate hand of the picker is cupped and placed over the nose so that the forefinger is below the right eye and the thumb is below the left eye. The hand will hide the nostril from curious onlookers who will be convinced that the picker is rubbing her cheeks in attempt to soothe a headache, while the right index finger can slip inside, probe, acquire, and extract the residue.

4. The Turn-Around: The picker slowly excuses herself and turns around. The material is quickly extracted from the nose, so when the conversation resumes and somebody has their full attention on the picker’s face, the residue can be flicked into the world.

5. The Hair-Wipe: In the occurrence of a “stringer” or stray mucus mass, the nose is casually rubbed with the palm, following through in attempt to act as if the picker is brushing hair out of her face with her fingers. After, the waste is discarded on the back of a chair or plaid skirt. So there you have it. Whether you do it publicly or privately, eat the residue or flick it, you still pick your nose. But don’t fret–so does everyone else!

Until next time,

wEirDo