Dealing with divorce

Students with divorced parents must plan around spending time with two families.

Joseph%2C+from+left%2C+Julie%2C+Jack%2C+Mark+Maura%2C+Madeline+and+Bailey+Knopke+pose+for+a+photo+on+their+family+vacation.+Julie%2C+the+mother+of+Jack+and+Bailey%2C+is+the+stepmother+to+Maura+and+Madeline.

Joseph, from left, Julie, Jack, Mark Maura, Madeline and Bailey Knopke pose for a photo on their family vacation. Julie, the mother of Jack and Bailey, is the stepmother to Maura and Madeline.

by Linden O'Brien-Williams, Page Designer

story and alternative coverage by Linden O’Brien-Williams, photos compiled by Jessie Culver, alternative coverage and graphics by Maggie Knox

 

When sophomore Claire Fiorella’s parents first divorced when she was in second grade, dividing time between her parents was more than a hassle. It meant disputes between her parents about custody, nights spent neglecting schoolwork and going to her father’s house when she wanted to stay with her mom. But more than that: Fiorella would get stuck in the middle of all of it without any say in her situation or custody.

Sophomores Maura Knopke, Serena Jonas and Fiorella all have busy schedules, complete with basketball practices, play practices, schoolwork, and family time. The three girls have divorced parents, which means clearing schedules and switching locations frequently, according to the three.

For Knopke, dividing up time between her parents means alternating weeks: one week at Mom’s, one week at Dad’s. For breaks, she alternates time with her parents and does her best to keep the time even. Knopke’s parents split up when she was in third grade, and though she is happy with her step family, the transition is difficult.

“You expect to have a life with both parents, but having them have different lives and having them remarry is hard,” Knopke said.

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Fiorella’s father has also remarried, but she spends most of her time with her mother and two sisters. Her father lives in the area so she and her sisters try to make time to spend with him, usually over dinner. It is difficult to have a close relationship with him, however, since they spend little time with him.

“We kind of see our dad as more of a friend, since he doesn’t know all the details about our lives,” Fiorella said.

Jonas’ parents divorced when she was around five years old. Jonas’ dad now lives in Boston, Mass., but they spend time together often, and her father is still “very much a father figure… he’s not distant or anything.” Her mother lives with Jonas and her two siblings in Kansas City. Jonas’ stepfather passed away a few years ago, who she considered “very much a part of the family.”

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For all three girls, there are difficulties that come with having two separate families. Knopke frequently finds herself missing out on what is happening in the other family.

“Just going a whole week and not seeing my dad or not seeing my mom [makes me] miss them,” Knopke said. “And yeah you talk on the phone, but I hear about things that my dad does with my step siblings and they have so much fun and I just wish I could be there.”

Due to her father’s remarriage, Fiorella has spent less time than she would like with her father. She says that her parents’ divorce has been a huge source of stress in her life, something she believes other kids may be able to relate to.

“Growing up, especially, when my parents got divorced, I definitely looked to a lot of my friends’ families being like ‘Why isn’t my family like this? Why couldn’t my family have worked out? Why did I have to grow up with all this stress?’” Fiorella said.

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Because of the added stress and conflict in Fiorella’s life, she prefers to spend all of her time at her mom’s house and says that it has been around five years since she has even spent the night at her dad’s, something she wishes she could change.

“He doesn’t know any of my friends,” Fiorella said. “It’s sad. And he doesn’t know everything about my life… It’s hard for me to explain everything because I feel like I’m explaining my life in just one dinner with him, so it’s really frustrating.”

Jonas, however, has never consciously felt the negative effects of her parents’ divorce.

“I never really grew up with them together,” Jonas said. “I was used to them being separate, very separate, cause they live really far away. But they’re still on very good terms.”

According to Jonas, her mother has had a hard time recovering from losing her husband. However, she has made her children very much a priority in her life and is very oriented around them.

All three girls have adjusted to their situations and dealt with them in different ways, because, as Fiorella said, “each situation really depends on the family.” Though they have had different experiences, they have all managed to pull something positive out of situation.

Jonas has realized a greater trust she has in her father through the divorce. Though he has lived across the country for multiple years, he still considers his children when making decisions about his own life, for example, the different places he moves.

“He wouldn’t get a house we don’t like,” Jonas said. “He makes sure it’s something we would want to come visit.”

Beyond choosing different cities and houses, Jonas’ father is conscious of how her and her siblings feel about his relationships.

“He’s always made sure that [people he dates] like us,” Jonas said. “If we don’t like them, he just won’t deal with that, so he always makes sure we like them.You know when boyfriends need fathers’ approval? It’s the same thing with us; he needs our approval for it to be okay.”

Jonas may not pack up every week to switch between houses, but she does occasionally visit her father with her siblings. In the past, he has lived outside Philadelphia and San Diego. Jonas enjoys the opportunity to travel and live in different places, even though it is difficult to plan around.

Despite the challenge, Knopke also feels that there are positive aspects to having two families. She loves her stepmom “like she’s [her] real mom” and her step siblings like they are her real siblings as well. Not only does she consider herself lucky that she has such a good relationship with her step family, but she feels that she is more responsible in other areas of her life because she has divorced parents.

“I think I’m more mature,” Knopke said. “I think I’m more responsible and I know I’ve been through more difficult things that have made me stronger.”

Though Fiorella is more fragile now, she has become better at rationalizing situations through the divorce and is far more thankful for what she has.

“I’ve learned that having divorced parents definitely stinks, but my family is very positive,” Fiorella said. “It has definitely taught me to brighten up situations and to think of the good things instead of the bad things. There are always gonna be bad things, but you need to just have a good, positive outlook on whatever you do.”